Friday, March 25, 2005

I went on Spring Break and all I got was this stupid anxiety disorder

Well, this has been a less than relaxing, yet less than productive spring break. I realize I'm jumping the gun a little because technically break doesn't end until Monday night, but there's no reason to hope for more from it.

Monday morning I had to say goodbye to Mike because wouldn't you know it, he had to do a site visit in Kentucky during my break. He was gone until late Wednesday night and the boredom had more than set in by then.

I think it's funny that two of my teacher's told me before leaving last Thursday to "be sure and take some time for yourself over break." They said it with such sorrow, like they knew I wouldn't relax and they knew it's, at least partly, their faults. It's almost apologetic, which I suppose is nice.

While Mike was gone I completed my Easter outfit. No, I didn't make it, though as you all know, I can sew. It's a dress that I found at TJ Maxx. Surprisingly, it is the exact dress that I paid over $100 for this past summer, but in a cute spring fabric. And much cheaper of course. The only problem with it is, although it is spring and the weather has been getting nicer, there's still a bit of a chill in the air for a nearly sleeveles dress. I must have tried on every style of every ivory cardigan available at Silver City Galleria Mall but to no avail. The closest choice was a ballerina style wrap cardigan at the Gap, but they did not have my size. Well, being the avid crocheter, I decide that I could make my own and headed to JoAnn's for some yarn instead. I am quite proud of the cute little shawl/wrap I was able to produce.

On Tuesday I had my internship the full day. Or rather I was supposed to. I was having another "bad heart day" as I call them. Bad heart days include rapid and/or pounding heartbeats, almost always coupled with hot flashes and feeling like I could faint at any minute. I hate those days. Especially when I know that home is a 45 minute drive away. I almost fainted while driving once before, as well, which adds to the scary factor. My blood has been tested for everything under the sun that might cause it--anemia, diabetes, thyroid disease--but nothing. They have hooked me up to an EKG, but still I am "healthy." This sort of a thing runs in my family. My grandma has been hospitalized for it even, but also never diagnosed with a reason. I've been having bad heart days a little too frequently lately, too. I had a pretty bad one a week ago Tuesday, as well. I almost called an ambulance for myself. The thing is, once it starts, it's exacerbated by the anxiety over whether or not I will faint. Or if I do, will I come to ok? Even if no one is around to poke me? It all seems to be turning into an anxiety/panic attack thing. I don't like it one bit.

Anyway, so after that on Tuesday I had some major apartment cleaning to do on Wednesday because I couldn't stand it anymore. I also had to pick Mike up from the airport. Well, ok, I didn't have to pick Mike up, but after three days I sure wanted to. We still have the problem of only one car, though, so I drove him to work on Thursday, ran some errands, and then picked him up from work.

Today, Friday, I had to go back to my internship to finish an assessment I was supposed to finish Tuesday. I was taking out a potential Little Sister to get to know her outside of her home. Lucky me and my heart, I was starting to have a mild anxiety attack out with her. Somehow I made it through, though, hopefully without her catching on.

Oh my goodness this is long, I think that's enough for now even though I haven't gotten into my big annoying glasses issue or the fact that I'm supposed to have a 10 page paper written by Tuesday AND celebrate Easter AND go back to my internship on Monday.

Ugh, can't I just drop out of school and be a homemaker? I'm starting to think that will suit me best.

Happy trails...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amy baby...I feel you with your anxiety/panic attacks. Just last year I started to get them and just like you I got tested for everything in the book and the only thing they say is anxiety... The meds screw you up that they try to give you, so I guess we just have to deal with it. It's scary...I always feel like I am having a heart attack and than my whole body is numb. Anyhoo, hang in there champ! Can't wait till the whistle stop party:)
<3 ya

4:07 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home